I have to do everything I can to focus on these next few months. I’m starting another call center job March 3rd. This one pays more, and the company is a lot bigger, and nicer. The training is going to be intense.. Three weeks straight starting at 6am. I know I can do it, I have to. I need a car, and I need to keep my storage bill paid. By July, I plan to move back to Orlando. I’ll be off academic suspension and able to use my financial aid from spring. I feel like when we moved up here I was just so tired of struggling and floundering. I laid down and accepted my life was out of control. I’ve had so much time up here to think, and to realize what I want for my life. As hard as I’ve tried to adapt to life up here, I just can’t.. And won’t. I need to be there. That’s where my life will flourish. Noah’s ready to go back too. I was afraid he wouldn’t be, but I’m happy to see he is. I guess when the day comes he’ll either be in the car, or won’t.
I truly do want to give our life another try. I truly do want to live with him again, and go back to where we were before his addiction took over. I guess that’s the scary part though.. If we try again and he starts that vicious cycle… I was shocked and impressed to see his strength this past week, though. He did have a few occasional relapses.. I was so upset at first, but after all his therapy sessions, I knew with heroin addiction, we had to expect it. An addict can have years of clean time, and relapse.
Seven days ago he obtained two Subutex and detoxed HIMSELF. I couldn’t believe it.. I figured once he got a taste for what he’s been without he’d be full force addicted again. Nope, he did it. Each day he took a little bit of Subutex in the morning and went about his day. Yesterday was the first day he was back to being completely detoxed. His clean time is still exceeding his relapsed time, that’s what’s important.
It just proves to not only me, but to himself how strong he really is. How willing and able he is to stay clean. How ready he is to fight, and not give up. He had a few days where he relapsed, but just as quickly said no, and woke up ready to fight again… And he did. Everything happened so quickly his family didn’t even know. I don’t want them to, all his progress will be considered nothing to them.
Addiction is a crazy thing. I’ve learned a lot from all this. I’ve watched someone literally fight with their own brain and become a slave to a substance. To crave something that once destroyed their life. To one day be 100% clean and fighting, then the next day see them use. I don’t know, I think sometimes everything kind of hits me and I once again have to put everything into perspective.
I’m in this far with him, I’m not walking away. All I really have to do is listen. Listening to an addict can be the key to a successful recovery. And while Noah does intensive outpatient during the week theres times at 3, 4, 6 am his brain is wired and he’s wanting to use. A simple encouraging talk can put an end to his cravings. I don’t know, drugs are crazy.. Crazy crazy.
I can’t wait to get home. I just hope I can get into a place. The main thing I need to learn is how to depend on myself.