I still find someone I once had a huge crush on really super attractive oh nao.
Mostly rambles, love, my babies.
I still find someone I once had a huge crush on really super attractive oh nao.
March will be 3 years for Noah and I. It seems like it was just yesterday I was a starry eyed, naive 17 year old. It’s funny, when he first started talking to me, I had such a crush on someone else.. I tried telling Noah I wasn’t interested. He persisted, and here we are. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had plenty of struggles.. Between his issues, my issues, and our joint issues it’s amazing we’re still together. To a lot of people, it’s not good we’re together. I guess you could say we’re toxic for each other.. in some ways. I honestly can say I made plenty of mistakes, and he’s made millions of them. And ill say this, I’m not religious, but I believe if we weren’t meant for each other, we wouldn’t have made it this far. I can be stubborn, and I can be dumb. And yes, I’m sure to most, I should have left him by now.. But I can’t break my heart off from him.. I’ve tried. I love him, still, after everything.. All the mistakes, his battle with addiction, everything. He’s caught me talking to other men, on two different occasions, and forgiven me. I get such a feeling of panic, and worry when I try to picture my life without him. God, we started our life together.. A life. It’s so surreal.. We had a home, a home we built.. Together. Who can say that at 20? We worked, and paid bills, and had a routine.. When it worked, it worked. I mean it really worked. Noah and I are so dynamic together. We communicate so well, and solve problems effortlessly. We can talk to each other with no yelling, or being sarcastic. Until his addiction got bad, I can’t remember any tremendous fights. I feel like he’s a part of me. I don’t want to try living without him. It warms me to reminisce on the incredible journey we’ve already created. I believe down in my soul we are meant or more. That we’re going through hell now, to enjoy nothing but bliss when it passes. God, I know you have a plan for us. I know we are meant to try this again.. And do it right. All the hurtful things I may say when I’m angry shouldn’t be taken literal.. If I didn’t want to be in this with him, I wouldn’t be. I truly want 3 more years at least with this person. I want to continue on this journey. I don’t mean to get sappy, but I don’t think there is a human person who could understand what I feel. Half the time, I don’t. It’s crazy… Love is crazy.
I have to do everything I can to focus on these next few months. I’m starting another call center job March 3rd. This one pays more, and the company is a lot bigger, and nicer. The training is going to be intense.. Three weeks straight starting at 6am. I know I can do it, I have to. I need a car, and I need to keep my storage bill paid. By July, I plan to move back to Orlando. I’ll be off academic suspension and able to use my financial aid from spring. I feel like when we moved up here I was just so tired of struggling and floundering. I laid down and accepted my life was out of control. I’ve had so much time up here to think, and to realize what I want for my life. As hard as I’ve tried to adapt to life up here, I just can’t.. And won’t. I need to be there. That’s where my life will flourish. Noah’s ready to go back too. I was afraid he wouldn’t be, but I’m happy to see he is. I guess when the day comes he’ll either be in the car, or won’t.
I truly do want to give our life another try. I truly do want to live with him again, and go back to where we were before his addiction took over. I guess that’s the scary part though.. If we try again and he starts that vicious cycle… I was shocked and impressed to see his strength this past week, though. He did have a few occasional relapses.. I was so upset at first, but after all his therapy sessions, I knew with heroin addiction, we had to expect it. An addict can have years of clean time, and relapse.
Seven days ago he obtained two Subutex and detoxed HIMSELF. I couldn’t believe it.. I figured once he got a taste for what he’s been without he’d be full force addicted again. Nope, he did it. Each day he took a little bit of Subutex in the morning and went about his day. Yesterday was the first day he was back to being completely detoxed. His clean time is still exceeding his relapsed time, that’s what’s important.
It just proves to not only me, but to himself how strong he really is. How willing and able he is to stay clean. How ready he is to fight, and not give up. He had a few days where he relapsed, but just as quickly said no, and woke up ready to fight again… And he did. Everything happened so quickly his family didn’t even know. I don’t want them to, all his progress will be considered nothing to them.
Addiction is a crazy thing. I’ve learned a lot from all this. I’ve watched someone literally fight with their own brain and become a slave to a substance. To crave something that once destroyed their life. To one day be 100% clean and fighting, then the next day see them use. I don’t know, I think sometimes everything kind of hits me and I once again have to put everything into perspective.
I’m in this far with him, I’m not walking away. All I really have to do is listen. Listening to an addict can be the key to a successful recovery. And while Noah does intensive outpatient during the week theres times at 3, 4, 6 am his brain is wired and he’s wanting to use. A simple encouraging talk can put an end to his cravings. I don’t know, drugs are crazy.. Crazy crazy.
I can’t wait to get home. I just hope I can get into a place. The main thing I need to learn is how to depend on myself.
I haven’t written or given any updates. I’m still in PA, working in a call center handling the aftermath of the Target breach. I’m trying to save for a car, possibly a new house, or possibly a move back to FL. Noah did 20 days in rehab, came back Sunday, and is still sober. He struggles everyday.. Fighting his brain to stay clean. Some days are worse than others, but everyday is a one more behind him. Right now our concern is support at its fullest. In that is half staying up his butt, half having faith he’s making the right choices. Due to some piss poor decisions he made before rehab, if he doesn’t stay clean, he could face some serious legal consequences. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings is his life… Just trying to sleep at night and fight his cravings. My heart is heavy knowing this could fall apart at any point. Other than that, I’m just hanging in. There’s no running water in our bathroom, that sucks to an extreme degree… But I guess shit happens. My mom FINALLY got her disability and a new apartment. No more sobbing phone calls, begs and pleas for money, or helpless situations. It’s reliving, but I’m not sure how she’s going to plan her days now. I try to go to FL every 6-9 weeks. It helps my home sickness 90%. I’d like to go to Panama and stay with my aunt soon, but I’ve missed more work than I’d like. That’s the other big issues, I’ve had an on and off rash (but constant itching) since August. It started while we were still in FL, but got worse once we got to PA. The two times I’ve been down to visit I don’t notice anything. I FINALLY got health insurance, so hopefully I can get a patch test. I don’t sleep from itching, then miss work. It sucks… All my cats are good. Owen was extremely sick for weeks… He finally got to a vet and we discovered he had terrible mites. I mean, mites covering the entire slide. He lost nearly all his fur and his face got pretty crusted and scary. His scabs are clear, just waiting for his hair to grow back. Nate is good, his same sweet self. Hudson is big now.. Big and full of spunk! And needing fixed, of course. I also got my dog in November, she’s adjusted.. Really loves the snow. I guess over all we’re hanging in there. Fighting and feeling torn over wanting to move back south. I don’t think it’s a good idea until Noah feels secure in his recovery. He needs to stay where he has insurance and a home/family. Like his counselor said, “The addiction is over your knee, but you still haven’t beaten it.” And he might not ever beat it, but every day he’s alive and sober is one more day I’m grateful for.
Things I want in 2014:
-To stay at a job I enjoy
-Start my debt consolidation
-Save my paychecks/manage money
-Have said money to travel with
-Get a car (new or old)
-Noah to stay sober
-My family to understand me
-My family to accept me
-My family to finally accept him
-His family to forgive him
-To find a city (possibly state) I like
-To get the rest of my R.E license
-Discover what I truly want to study
-Lose 10-15 pounds
-To run daily once it’s warm
-Keep my babies healthy
-Keep up on my few bills
-Not stay so angry
-Be humble and happy… always
I’m tired of being alone, tired of crying, tired of missing my mom, tired of feeling lost, feeling anxious, feeling scared. I’m tired of prayers going unanswered, being broke, failing classes, feeling helpless. First paycheck I get I NEED to go home. I wasn’t ready for this..