4th of July!


Wat is sleep

Wat is sleep


I get so afraid. These next few months are going to change so rapidly. Weather I go back to school or not, I’m going back to Florida. Noah could be facing jail time, or at least, probation… Depending on what happens with his hearing. He thinks he needs to stay here no matter what happens. Stay here and rebuild himself, pay off debts, work, save money. How could I ever trust him? I know he could make any choice if we’re together or not, but I’m usually with him up here.

He’s been sober. That’s the most important thing. I just don’t know if our relationship can take anymore set backs. We’ve already ben through too much. Can we survive distance on top of it? I don’t know. He’s so confident we’ll be okay. And well only end if I want it to. What will happen? Will I get home and think I’m better off? My family will convince me, that I already know. We need to talk about things, but I just cry when we try to.

I want to know. And right all I know is at some point I’ll be driving away from him. Driving away from a bed we’ve shared for almost three years. I know I’ll arrive somewhere and sit by myself and just feel alone.

Changes are difficult. I just don’t know what to think about life anymore…


Thirty days isn’t much. Months go by so quickly, with really nothing significant in between. Not for me. Today marks thirty days of sobriety for my boyfriend. Thirty days ago, heroin was still his first love, his main priority. There was still arguments on the daily, tears, and all the other territory that comes with addiction. 30 days ago today, he was going back to rehab. I was expecting nothing. I was 100% certain he would come home and nothing would have changed. After all, it was his 2nd time in rehab. But he didn’t come home unchanged. He came home fresh, and ready. He came home knowing it was time to stop. And even when he has bad days, he fights his fight. Today he’s attending the funeral of a good friend who died of an overdose. I hope when he sees him, he’s reminded of his own sobriety. I thank God for his life. It could’ve slipped away so many times.

Addiction does not discriminate. It does not care of your age, or race. It doesn’t care if you’re poor, or wealthy, or a celebrity. It can take over anyone. Nobody should suffer, or watch a loved one suffer.

I never want to find another needle again. I broke what I found and see it as a chapter closed in both of our lives.


On my way to Orlando for a few days. I’m excited to get away from PA. Sometimes you really need a significant amount of time away from your family so you can really appreciate them. We may not always agree with each other, but they’re what I have… And I miss them.

While I’m down, I need to try and get back into school, and look at some places. I’ve been approved to work from home, so I shouldn’t lapse in pay too much. I still need a car, but my pay is coming steady, so pretty soon.

Noah’s been home a week today. Out of all his previous attempts at sobriety, this is the longest he has gone after treatment remaining sober. It’s weird, honestly. He’s different. He has his meltdowns where he wants to give in, but I think he finally sees no more bullshit. This is it. Sobriety, or nothing. He’ll be homeless, single, and possibly put in prison. He’s a lot quieter.. I guess he’s stuck in his head. All he does is listen to music, write music, and eat. I’m glad he has his family back together to support him. 

I still try not to get ahead of myself, but it’s hard. This is all I want. I want my soul mate back. Technically, I guess I don’t really know him clear headed. Even when we first started dating he was still dabbling here and there.

I want him to come home with me.. It’s still too soon to know.

On my way to Orlando for a few days. I’m excited to get away from PA. Sometimes you really need a significant amount of time away from your family so you can really appreciate them. We may not always agree with each other, but they’re what I have… And I miss them.

While I’m down, I need to try and get back into school, and look at some places. I’ve been approved to work from home, so I shouldn’t lapse in pay too much. I still need a car, but my pay is coming steady, so pretty soon.

Noah’s been home a week today. Out of all his previous attempts at sobriety, this is the longest he has gone after treatment remaining sober. It’s weird, honestly. He’s different. He has his meltdowns where he wants to give in, but I think he finally sees no more bullshit. This is it. Sobriety, or nothing. He’ll be homeless, single, and possibly put in prison. He’s a lot quieter.. I guess he’s stuck in his head. All he does is listen to music, write music, and eat. I’m glad he has his family back together to support him.

I still try not to get ahead of myself, but it’s hard. This is all I want. I want my soul mate back. Technically, I guess I don’t really know him clear headed. Even when we first started dating he was still dabbling here and there.

I want him to come home with me.. It’s still too soon to know.


Sometimes I just want to put my hands inside your head and pull out all the confusion and contemplating you do with your brain every second of everyday. I knows there’s sun after rain, and I know every day is one more behind us. I can squeeze your hand, and listen to your rattling thoughts, but I can’t understand. I just want to be able to understand. There’s no way to, really. When you get manic, so do I. When you say your mind is made up, so is mine. I wish to god we didn’t feed off each other.. Feed into each other. But guess what? Today is one more day you didn’t use. This weekend will be 30 days. The longest you have ever gone in 8 straight years. I watch you slide your coin and gratitude rock into your pocket everyday. I say a prayer on both every night, so by tomorrow you’re ready to tackle the day.


I live for these fucking cats.
They’re just cats, but they’re my life.
Yeah, it’s sad.


Having a sad/angry day, and I guess it’s because I looked through all my old Instagram pictures.

I miss being on top.. I miss having a house. I miss coming home and smelling MY house. Cleaning, cooking, organizing.. It was all mine to mess with.

So many pictures of Noah and I just driving around Orlando during our day to day routines.. It still saddens me, even after 7 months.

I just want it all back. And I’m crazy, but I still want it all back with him. I know I could get back on top by myself, but I want it with him. I wish you could erase time.. I really would.

I guess there is no sense in “what ifs”. We already know why we fell apart. If we’re meant to have it again, we will.