I hate feeling this damn hurt. I hate knowing that you used my love for you, against me. Enabled you? You bet I did. What other choice did I have? To watch you suffer everyday and just go on with my routine? No. Nobody that has love and compassion for another would. But now that you’re ok, I’m the bad guy who fed you drugs for months. That fucking hurts me. And I can’t even talk to you, because we simply don’t talk. I mean, what are we? Estranged lovers? This is all getting to be too much. I need some kind of stability in my life. The only attempt you make at being interested is when you think I’m coming down. Then, I never can and its back to not caring.

And the way you did me like you are. Letting me not have a stable home, working my ass off at two jobs, hardly having one positive thing in my life. You’re chilling though. You got a nice comfortable couch, food. You got friends, and family. I hope you’re happy.

I seriously need relationship advice. I don’t know what to think of all the changes and I think I really just need a good girlfriend, but they all suck. 

4th of July!

Wat is sleep

Wat is sleep

I get so afraid. These next few months are going to change so rapidly. Weather I go back to school or not, I’m going back to Florida. Noah could be facing jail time, or at least, probation… Depending on what happens with his hearing. He thinks he needs to stay here no matter what happens. Stay here and rebuild himself, pay off debts, work, save money. How could I ever trust him? I know he could make any choice if we’re together or not, but I’m usually with him up here.

He’s been sober. That’s the most important thing. I just don’t know if our relationship can take anymore set backs. We’ve already ben through too much. Can we survive distance on top of it? I don’t know. He’s so confident we’ll be okay. And well only end if I want it to. What will happen? Will I get home and think I’m better off? My family will convince me, that I already know. We need to talk about things, but I just cry when we try to.

I want to know. And right all I know is at some point I’ll be driving away from him. Driving away from a bed we’ve shared for almost three years. I know I’ll arrive somewhere and sit by myself and just feel alone.

Changes are difficult. I just don’t know what to think about life anymore…

Thirty days isn’t much. Months go by so quickly, with really nothing significant in between. Not for me. Today marks thirty days of sobriety for my boyfriend. Thirty days ago, heroin was still his first love, his main priority. There was still arguments on the daily, tears, and all the other territory that comes with addiction. 30 days ago today, he was going back to rehab. I was expecting nothing. I was 100% certain he would come home and nothing would have changed. After all, it was his 2nd time in rehab. But he didn’t come home unchanged. He came home fresh, and ready. He came home knowing it was time to stop. And even when he has bad days, he fights his fight. Today he’s attending the funeral of a good friend who died of an overdose. I hope when he sees him, he’s reminded of his own sobriety. I thank God for his life. It could’ve slipped away so many times.

Addiction does not discriminate. It does not care of your age, or race. It doesn’t care if you’re poor, or wealthy, or a celebrity. It can take over anyone. Nobody should suffer, or watch a loved one suffer.

I never want to find another needle again. I broke what I found and see it as a chapter closed in both of our lives.